Not too long ago, the President announced a policy of getting ready for the dreaded "Bird Flu" that involves helping to fund the development of vaccines, and a tightening of restriction on lawsuits against those people tasked with making the vaccines that this nation needs in the face of this possible pandemic.
While you would think that the Liberals would be happy with the announcement of a new government program aimed to protect the well being of Americans everywhere, they were predictably up in arms about "Big Pharmaceutical" and proclaiming that there is no immanent threat from the bird flu here in the states. Understandably, the Demo-commies are against any preemptive strike against ANYONE or ANYTHING.
But while this country will continue to arm itself for the possibility of a War on the Avian Flu, I present to you five easy steps that you liberals can take to avoid possible contamination and exposure to the Bird Flu.
1. Stop Hugging Trees. Yes, I know this effectively eliminates most of your "love life," but birds tend to live in trees and the act of hugging said trees leaves you exposed not only to the birds that carry the flu, but also possible exposure to contaminated bird droppings.
2. Stop sleeping with/tongue-kissing your chickens. Okay, so this pretty much eliminates the other half of your love life, but it's pretty self explanatory. Remember, there is only one way to be safe, and that's abstinence, but if you're going to be smooching, choking, or sleeping with your chickens, be sure to wear a rubber for god's sake.
3. If you do have pet chickens, kill and cook them now. Consider creating a delicious chicken pot pie, or a big pot of chicken noodle soup, which wouldn't be a bad idea since we are talking about the Bird Flu here. How about a nice Chicken Alfredo? Oh, and get yourself a real pet like a dog or a cat.
4. Avoid Al Gore. As Champion of the Environment, Captain Conservation has done more tree-hugging and spotted owl tongue-kissing than any other sentient being on the planet. While cross contamination between species is often very difficult to achieve, that does not mean that humans exposed to Al Gore can rest easy. Tests may have proved inconclusive as to whether or not Al Gore is actually Human or not, but that's a risk we just can't take thesse days and Al Gore has exhibied symptoms of Mad Cow's Disease in recent years.
5. Avoid John F'n Kerry. The most recent recipient of the "Horseshoes and Hand Grenades" Award often finds himself in bed with high level Asian communist sympathizers and leaders and thus should be considered as a carrier until further testing can be done.
The Rockall Times offers some further Advice:
Britain braces for bird flu apocalypse
Feathers fly in avian flap
by Roger SutcliffeGovernment plans to counter the predicted Bird flu outbreak have been slammed by a rash of experts. A veritable epidemic of pandemic academics have warned that it may be too late, and that the virus may have already affected a chicken called Su, belonging to Mrs C. Wu, of 25b Ramshackle Shanty, Vietnam. If Su Wu were to a) avoid Mrs Wu's flashing meat cleaver, b) escape her coup, and c) learn to fly, she may be just years away from reaching UK iirspace.
"Defense will be our first line of attack," said Squadron Leader Henman, Chair of the Government's Flu Farce-Force. "At the first sign of the enemy, we will launch counter-insurgency measures. We will close UK airspace to all aeronautical organisms, from gnats to the Rockall Grand High Auk. This will be achieved by means of a gigantic net and an army of swatter-deputies at strategic coastal positions."
However, many scientists now believe that these measures are far from adequate, and that Government predictions of likely casualties are much too low. Currently Her Imperial Majestyness's Inspector of Medical Things estimates that a mere 97 per cent of the UK population is likely to die in excruciating pain. The true figure is likely to be much higher, as the Government's estimates don't take account of those killed in the traditional crisis-fueled stampede to stock-up on glutinous white sliced bread from Sainsbury's.
Bird Flu symptoms are said to range from a slight clucking and propensity to peck at the carpet; through a mild headache with a tickly-wickly throat; and, ultimately, a massive internal organ discharge where the liver, spleen, kidneys and several feet of greeny-purpley tubes are seen to blast from the victim's every orifice. At this point a little aspirin may be taken.
Those wishing to protect their homes and families from the virus are recommended to avoid talking to chickens. If one should pass you on the street, do not make eye contact; cross quickly to the other side and pretend to be searching in your pockets for something. Should a chicken knock on your door, householders are advised to hide behind the sofa until the danger has passed; chicks are not known for their patience and will soon be off to try their luck next-door. Finally, remember that with Easter fast approaching, old and young alike are vulnerable to the choccy-egg-mutation-strain. Unwrapping that lovely shiny colourey foil could be the very last thing you do. Ever.
Of course, none of this matters since experts have discovered that the human race is already dead!
Scientists prove everyone on planet ‘already dead’
Projected victims of apocalyptic killer plagues exceed world population, data shows by Lester Haines
Scientists are today advising anyone worried about the unstoppable spread of killer plagues to sit down, pour a large brandy and forget about it.
Why? Because the human race has already been wiped out.
The astonishing statement follows epidemiologists' warnings that Hepatitis C would become the new AIDS, ravaging populations and laying waste to entire civilizations.
However, an international symposium's conclusion that the virus' effect will be minimal is irrelevant since new data reveals the human race is extinct.
"Yup, it's true," trumpeted one doctor. "We took all of the predicted death tolls from killer plagues for the last 30 years, and when we projected the totals, it became clear that the last human individual died at around 3.30pm GMT on 28 December 2001."
An authority on killer plague predictions told The Rockall Times: "The statistics are pretty convincing. In 1982 scientists noted that by 1995 there would only one small boy and an elderly couple left alive in the whole of continental Africa. Aids would have done for the rest.
"Two years ago the deaths of tens of people from Ebola led to convincing arguments that this flesh-eating plague would reduce humanity to a few scattered tribes of primitive hunter-gatherers living in caves within ten years.
"And then there was anthrax, a virus so potent that were it, for instance, to be delivered in a powdered form through the mail, it could kill everyone in the United States in a matter of minutes."
The scientists' conclusions are all the more remarkable in that they do not include projected casualty figures for other recently-punted nightmare apocalypse scenarios, such as an asteroid hitting the earth and plunging it into an eternal hellish winter. Neither do the effects of global warming and Arabs crashing planes into skyscrapers feature in the calculations.
"That's right," noted one shaken scientist. "If we take all of the available figures and project an extinction point from those, we find that mankind would not have survived long enough even to discover that we were at risk in the first place. It's a chilling thought."
And if you're not dead already, then consider this:
Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!
Our Rockall experts on the SARS threat to humanity by The man in the paper mask
Tonight, as the world faces the terrible threat of annihilation at the hands of the SARS tsunami, The Rockall Times has assembled a top team of international epidemiological pundits to give our readers the facts behind the chilling pandemic.
Imagine this terrifying scenario: a man sneezes in a Hong Kong lift. Ten months later all human life has been wiped from the face of the earth by the fearful mutating supervirus he has unwittingly passed to the other occupants. Not science fiction, but real-time science fact in which the big red line on the mortality projection graph goes off the top of the longest piece of paper ever produced.
It is a plague on a biblical scale. Indeed, our experts advise that after multiplying together all the Old Testament plagues and then adding that figure to AIDS, Ebola, anthrax and flesh-eating necrosis, the SARS doomsday index exceeds even this fearful total by an incredible 700 PERCENT.
What this means to the average parent is that there is a 61 per cent chance that you or your children will be dead before you ever reach the end of this article. Think about it. Actually, put on a face mask first, then think about it.
The effects of this catastrophe cannot be underestimated. Billions will die, hacking up blood from their disease-ravaged lungs. Western democracy will effectively cease to exist as the social infrastructure collapses under the weight of millions of unburied corpses. Even the most conservative of commentators concede that at the very least:
- Coughing Chinamen will not be welcome in lifts for generations to come
- Most children will be born and raised in sealed cupboards to protect them from bands of predatory pedophiles roaming the post-apocalyptic wastelands
- Close-contact professions such as hairdressing, rugby and male prostitution will cease to exist
- It will take humanity 10,000 years to once again reach pre-SARS levels of consumer spending, with tragic consequences for the global economy
However, despite the apparent futility of the exercise, we have prepared this Q&A section to allow readers to fully grasp the threat facing mankind. It may not save your life, but at least you'll die a better-informed, and more rounded human being:
So what's the big deal then?
Well SARS is one of the most serious infectious diseases ever and it's spreading round the world up to 10 times faster than the last serious infectious disease. Many people have caught it already. Hundreds have died and billions more are set to follow.
How is it transmitted?
By Canadians and the tabloid media. Exposure to either means at best uninformed blind panic, at worst a miserable death in an NHS hospital corridor.
What are the symptoms?
That depends on the vector. If you catch it from a Canadian, you'll get flu-like symptoms and difficulty breathing rapidly followed by total death. Infections due to exposure to panic-mongering journalists usually mean an abnormally high level of fretting, worrying and nail-biting developing over a period of days into mild panic, fear of all forms of mass transit and a desire to stockpile essential groceries.
What's the survival rate?
Around four per cent of those infected die immediately. This rises to around 94 per cent among the especially vulnerable — the very young, very old or infirm, and those prone to running around like a headless chicken when they read that someone in Beijing has caught a cold.
And if you're lucky enough to survive?
You get to be interviewed on TV about the whole thing. If there are any TV crews still alive.
Okay, what does SARS stand for?
Seasonally Affected Regional Syndrome.
Why doesn't it sound as scary as Ebola?
The World Health Authority admits that since AIDS and flesh-eating necrosis, it has been struggling to maintain its high standard of catchy, scaremongering monikers and acronyms. SARS just appeared so quickly, they didn't have time to call it something really sinister.
That's a real shame
Isn't it?
Yes. So where did this SARS come from?
China. You know, in the Far East, where all these odd diseases start.
All of them?
Well, except for the ones that start in Africa. Like AIDS and Ebola.
Why China?
The Chinese have been working hard over the last ten years to knock Africa off the top of the world pandemic propagating superleague. Apparently, China's peasants have pulled off a blinder this time.
The peasants?
Yes. In China they live in the same house as their animals. Somehow the disease must have transferred itself from swine to humans.
But how?
Scientists reckon the people and the animals live in pretty intimate proximity.
How intimate?
Use your imagination.
But how for the love of all that's holy did SARS break out from a Chinese swineherd's peasant lovenest?
Oh come on, you must know the facts by now: isolated outbreak, blah blah, wrongly diagnosed, blah blah, increased mobility in China, blah blah, man sneezing, blah blah, rapid spread, blah blah, teeming cities, blah blah, poor medical facilities, blah blah, government cover-up, blah blah, foreign tourists, blah blah, Toronto...
Toronto? You must be joking
No, really. Some woman from the city went on a holiday to see the Great Wall and brought the disease back with her. Within fifteen minutes of her arrival at Toronto airport eight million Canadians were infected. According to the WHO, that is.
Are we supposed to believe that?
Hmmmm. The Mayor of Toronto insists there's no problem.
Isn't he the guy called Lastman?
Yes — chilling co-incidence, eh?
Gosh. It all sounds pretty grim. Shouldn't we be worrying about it over here in Britain?
Not really. The government says that as long as you take the following precautions, you'll be fine:
- Buy a paper mask and wear it at all times. The SARS virus is four centimeters long and cannot penetrate the coarse weave of the mask
- As an added precaution, breath as little as possible, and preferably not at all
- Panic buy petrol, flour, sugar, gaffer tape and plastic sheeting
- Use the tape and plastic sheeting to seal your designated "safe room". Once inside the room, do not leave until the tabloid newspapers lose interest in the disease. Under NOcircumstances leave the room and fly to Canada
Is all this really necessary? Surely our immune systems are more robust than the Canadians. After all, we've been ingesting BSE for years. Hey, I remember BSE. It was going to kill millions of us. Whatever happened to it?
Remember, apocalyptic killer superviruses are most effectively treated by the introduction of a newer, more interesting threat into the news chain. Who talks about that flesh-dissolving ultrabacteria now, eh?
So that's how best to attack the SARS virus?
Yes. Scientists say it will take up to 12 years to develop an effective agent to fight the virus, by which time everyone on the planet will already be dead. The only hope is that the Africans can unearth a new plague which will wipe SARS from the face of the media.
What are our chances?
If you reached the end of this article without coughing once, you may have a few days left. Use them for some quality time with your kids. They'll be dead soon, as will you.
Remember that laughter, and minimal exposure to uncooked or unmarinated chickens, are the best medicine that money can buy.
Comments